Nintendo is Great is a Substack devoted to playing and exploring every game ever released for a Nintendo console/handheld in chronological order. Some posts are free, some are for paid subscribers only. Don’t forget to sign up below. Thanks for reading!
Gyromite
PUBLISHER/DEVELOPER: Nintendo
RELEASE DATE: Aug. 13th, 1985 (JP), Oct. 1985 (US)
ALSO AVAILABLE ON: Gyromite is unfortunately tied to the NES and R.O.B. the Robot
Gyromite is a rarity, a game that is nearly impossible to play as originally intended. Sure, you could spend several hundred dollars just to purchase R.O.B. the Robot, an NES console, a CRT TV, and a copy of Gyromite just to see how one controls a puzzle-platformer with a plastic companion. But will you? Even if you decide to play via emulation, if R.O.B. is absent, the full experience is lost.
But let’s say you take out a loan and purchase all the aforementioned items on eBay. What should you expect?
In ‘Mode A,’ you guide Professor Hector through a series of red and blue columns, collecting dynamite as you go. Enemies called Smicks will try to bite you, but otherwise, your main obstacle is the time limit. In ‘Mode B,’ Professor Hector sleepwalks through the level. You don’t control him, but you do lower and raise the columns as he approaches them.
In both modes, Hector has a problem. He can’t jump and he can’t move columns out of his way by himself. Unless… could ROB help?
Like a true friend, ROB is next to you, holding the second player controller in a plastic holder. Between R.O.B. and the controller are bumpers connected to extensions that sit against the controller’s ‘A’ and ‘B’ buttons. The red and blue bumpers correlate to the red and blue columns in-game. R.O.B. must pick up gyros near him and lower them down onto the bumper to raise the red/blue columns. To lower the columns, R.O.B. must remove the gyro from the bumper.
If you want to experience Gyromite sans R.O.B. (you monster), find a friend willing to hold the second controller while you control the Professor. Let them do the grunt work by pressing the ‘A’ and ‘B’ buttons to lower the red and blue columns at the appropriate time, and voila, Gyromite is a perfectly cromulent puzzle platformer. Just… make sure your friend won’t squash the Professor with the columns. Relationships have been ruined that way.
Controlling R.O.B. is either a tremendous chore or a glorious privilege. R.O.B.’s movements are slow, grinding, and cumbersome, and there’s nothing he does in his bumper/gyro setup that a second human person couldn’t do faster. Then again, he’s a robot. You’re playing a game with a robot. In 1985 (or whenever). Who cares how slow he is. This is every child’s dream come true.
A - A child with R.O.B. in 1985
B- - with a friend in 2024
What I Wrote About Gyromite in 2012
“No doubt ROB was a novelty, invented for the greater good of promoting the NES in America. In that sense, he was a resounding success, even if his skills as a video-game assistant will forever be in question. Gyromite, however,is a unique puzzle excursion that – praises be – doesn’t require ROB’s involvement to be enjoyed. On a system that would define the co-op experience in later years with games like Double Dragon II, Contra, and TMNT II, Gyromite is one of the most distinct two-player games on the system; especially since it was never intended to be.”
B+
Hogan’s Alley
PUBLISHER/DEVELOPER: Nintendo
RELEASE DATE: Jun. 12th, 1984 (JP), Oct. 1985 (US), Dec. 15th, 1987 (EU)
ALSO AVAILABLE ON: Arcade, Wii U Virtual Console
If you're like me, you've been playing Hogan's Alley for years without asking why the game is called Hogan's Alley. As a kid, I always assumed that Hogan was the scruffy gun-toting dude on the cover, and the "alley" was where he and his cronies met up for cigars, gambling, and illicit crimes. Even as an adult, I never questioned this assumption. Hogan's Alley was always a lesser NES game in my eyes anyway, so I had no reason to probe further into the game's origins. Now that I'm reviewing (and in many cases re-reviewing) every game released on a Nintendo console, I have no choice. Onwards to discovery!
According to Wikipedia, "Hogan's Alley is a tactical training facility of more than 10 acres (40,000 m2) operated by the FBI Training Academy. Hogan's Alley was opened in 1987, and was designed to provide a realistic urban setting for training agents of the FBI, DEA, and other local, state, federal and international law enforcement agents" (Hogan's Alley (FBI)). So there you have it! Nintendo of Japan created a Zapper shooting game based on an FBI training facility. The training facility even has its own website, which you can visit here.
There's just one problem: Hogan's Alley debuted on June 12th, 1984 on the Famicom, three years before the modern FBI facility was opened. Turns out, the name "Hogan's Alley" has been in use for training courses since at least 1926, when the NRA established the Special Police School at the National Guard's Camp Perry, Ohio. At this Police School was a tactical course referred to as "Hogan's Alley." The course "consisted of makeshift buildings with reappearing silhouettes to simulate urban shoot-outs.”1 Sounds familiar!
The "Hogan's Alley" training courses received their title from the 1890s comic strip of the same name by Richard F. Outcault. In the comic, the place known as "Hogan's Alley" was a "fictional New York City slum" populated with all manners of brutal characters (Shilling). As far as I know, the 1890s comic strip is where the history of the name "Hogan's Alley" begins. Perhaps there's some dingy alleyway in Westminster named "Hogan's Alley" that dates back several centuries, but I doubt it.
Hogan's Alley honors its namesakes by offering fake dingy alleyways, a simulated training course, and cans. Lots and lots of cans. "Hogan's Alley A" starts you at an indoor training course with three cardboard cutouts. Does the cutout have a gun and an ugly mug? Shoot to kill. Does the cutout look like a woman, a bewildered old man or a cop? Please refrain.
At most, two of the three cardboard cutouts need to be shot, and the amount of time you have to shoot them typically varies between 1.2 and 2.5 seconds from round to round. The rounds progress until you miss ten times or throw the Zapper through the television from boredom. The least enticing of the game's three provided options.
"Hogan's Alley B" puts you on-rails into a shoddily constructed urban area. You've got the Gun Shop, a construction site, an alley that may or may not be Hogan's, and some condemned buildings. Yum! Enemies and innocents appear at random around these areas. Fail to shoot in time and you'll miss. Miss ten times and the game is over, as with "Hogan's Alley A." Because the backgrounds change over time, "Hogan's Alley B" is slightly more appealing than "Alley A," but only slightly.
"Trick Shot" is where real gunslingers get their wings. Here, you shoot tin cans to keep them in the air until they can land on the opposite side of the screen in one of three areas. These areas all have different point values, from lowest to highest in descending order. Basically, trick shot the cans into narrow areas for maximum pointage. "Trick Shot" is more fun than the other two options combined, and with nary a gangster in sight.
I'm not sure if I prefer Hogan's Alley grease to Duck Hunt's charm, but I appreciate that with each Zapper release, Nintendo provided slightly more content for our currency. Plus, it's the only Nintendo game named after both an FBI training facility and an ancient comic strip! I'll wager this never happens again.
C-
What I Wrote About Hogan’s Alley in 2012
“Each round recycles the same backgrounds over and over again a la Urban Champion or Duck Hunt. I understand this was 1985 and people were used to repeating environments and the same gameplay round after round, but other games would usually throw out some amount of variety. Hogan’s Alley doesn’t even try…”
D
Ice Climber
PUBLISHER/DEVELOPER: Nintendo
RELEASE DATE: Jan. 30th, 1985 (JP), Oct. 1985 (US), Sept. 1st, 1986 (EU)
ALSO AVAILABLE ON: Arcade, NEC PC-8801, Famicom Disk System, e-Reader, Game Boy Advance, Virtual Console (Wii, 3DS, Wii U), NES Switch Online, Nintendo Switch (Vs. Ice Climber)
Ice Climber is a mountain-climbing expedition that sees two Inuit climb up a series of treacherous peaks. Why risk their lives, time and time again? Not for the fame or the glory or the potential sponsorship deals waiting for them at the bottom. No, they're in it for a variety of garden vegetables and to ride a condor at the top of the mountain.
Popo and Nana are armed with hammers and oversized gender-announcing parkas. Separately or together, they scale through layers of ancient rock, smash obnoxious birds (Nitpickers) and adorable small yetis (Topis), and try not to fall back down the mountain. In addition to the mountain itself, clouds serve as platforms and either move languidly across the screen or fly past like they're on a time-sensitive mission from God. Either way, you'll need to jump between the rocky ground and the clouds to reach the summit.
About jumping... Popo and Nana haven't gotten the hang of it. If they land on the edge of the ground/cloud and not the very center, they'll fall through it. Mountain magic, perhaps? I'm not sure, but it's frustrating when Popo/Nana look like they're going to land on the tip of a passing cloud, but woops, just kidding, they fell several stories to their death. Being a mountaineer is rough.
Jumping becomes more problematic the further you ascend. Later mountains ask you to leap between layers of fast-moving clouds while chipping away at icy rock and avoiding falling icicles that turn you into snowflakes when touched.
Popo and Nana are a resilient couple, though. Since there's no time limit weighing them down, they'll continue their ventures ever upward for as long as you want to journey with them. Don't question their motives. Fresh vegetables in the Arctic really are worth it.
C+
What I Wrote About Ice Climber in 2012
“Ice Climber is a moderately fun relic of the past. The game’s at its prime with an additional player helping (or hindering) your ascent, but even in one-player, there are some good times to be had. However, while each of the thirty-two mountains has a slightly different layout, you will begin to experience deja vu very quickly. Your tolerance for this game will vary depending on your love for well-timed jumps and how well you can master the unnaturally slippy controls.”
B-
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1
Someone with the last name of McLellan wrote this quote, but I couldn’t find the article it came from for the life of me. Sorry, McLellan!
